Jekyll and Hyde

I haven't written here for a while cause I haven't felt the need to, and things have been crazy. My husband and I made the big move to Utah so I could be closer to my mom, which had helped with my depression a lot. It's great to be able to see my mom daily.

Anyways the reason I'm posting is cause I've reached a breaking point yet again. On Friday morning I received a phone call from my mother. My Grandma had passed away unexpectedly. I was shocked and cried uncontrollably for a couple hours before heading to work. I've been putting on a brave face and trying to support my mom during this hard time. But it hasn't been easy.

As soon as I received that phone call all of my walls that I had built up to protect myself from my depression came crumbling down. All the things that I could've gotten depressed about but didn't came rushing in. I don't think I have ever felt so alone like nobody understands or cares (excluding my husband of course). I didn't eat anything till Friday night and did the same thing again on Saturday. My appetite has left me which is physically unhealthy. It's like my depression is trying to kill me not just emotionally but physically as well. I want to crawl into my bed and cry and never leave.

Over the last few months I have been able to control my emotions but now I can't. I had the steering wheel in my hand and was driving down my road of life just fine. But now this evil monster within me had taken the wheel and is driving me towards the edge of a cliff. I feel like Jeckyl and Hyde one second I'm just me and the next my depression takes over and I loose sight of who I am. I try taking my medication which is supposed to help but it only numbs the pain for a few hours before it all comes rushing back. I only hope I can resume control again before "Hyde" takes over completely.

My Next Step

One of my favorite Winnie the Pooh characters is Eeyore.

One of the awesome things about Eeyore is that even though he is basically clinically depressed, he still gets invited to participate in adventures and shenanigans with all of his friends. What is amazing is that they never expect him to pretend to feel happy, the never leave him behind or ask him to change, they just show him love. (This is something I wish I had in my life)

He never asks them to include them, they just do it. They love him even though he has depression. When you find out somebody has depression a lot of people tend to start excluding them from activities. That makes everything worse though. A lot of people don't want to be around them because they are depressed, or because they don't want to be brought down by them. I get that. Happiness/laughter is contagious though. As long as you try to include them in the activity it at least lets them know that you care. 

Being excluded from activities, whether its with friend or even family, hurts whether you have depression or not. But it is magnified when you do have depression. For me when I get excluded from things or just not invited I usually end up feeling very depressed, and even resentment towards that certain person. A lot of the time I feel like everybody (excluding some people, you know who you are) secretly hates me. Whether that a fact or not my mind still thinks that because those people exclude me, whether on purpose or not, and it hurts.

I was raised in a home where the girls were expected to be just as strong as the boys. So I constantly feel this need to be that strong girl, and not let anybody see my emotions. That is why I honestly hide in my room a lot. I'm constantly pretending that I'm ok even though I'm not. Sometimes I wish they would notice how torn apart and broken I am. I constantly feel like everybody around me thinks I'm just this lazy girl cause on my days off all I do is lay in bed in my pajamas and watch tv/ play video games. I am not lazy for taking care of my mental health. I need those days to catch up and just breath and not have to think about fighting. Those are the rare days that I get a break.

Sometimes I feel like a mirror that has just been shattered. There are those, like my husband, who see me and help me pick up the pieces and put myself back together again. Then there are those who see me and just walk away. Then there are those who see me and decide to break me up even more.

Everyday I wake up hoping that I wont break that day, and sometimes I don't (rarely). After about 8 years of doing this I'm starting to get tired. It wasn't until a little over 2 years ago that I finally got somebody who would help me pick up the pieces. I am so grateful to have met my husband and he helps me more than anybody on this planet. But I am constantly finding myself standing on the line between giving up and seeing how much more I can take.

Nate is always telling me how strong I am, and most days I don't believe him. My depression makes me feel so weak, because I'm constantly having to rely on medication just to make it through the day. Depression is not a sign of weakness. It means you have been strong for far too long. I've been fighting this war for 8 years. For a little over 5 years of it I had nothing to help me fight it. For the last almost 3 years I have had a husband who has helped me and has introduced me to herbal medications to help me control it. Then 3 days ago I made the decision that all of that was not enough, because I am tired of fighting. I am tired of feeling left out, and feeling like an outsider. So I called a doctor and set up an appointment to see him about my depression. It's a big step and one that I am still nervous about taking, but I know it is the right thing to do. And I am so glad I am getting so much support from my husband, my mom, my sister, and even my mother in-law.

Happiness is a Choice

"Happiness is a choice"

I have heard this saying over and over and everytime I hear it, it's like a punch to the gut. Happiness is NOT a choice for me, not when it comes to my depression. Tellings a person who has depression that they have a choice, is like telling a person with cancer that they can just THINK the cancer away!! When my depression hits it's a fight for it. That choice to be happy is taken away from me and I have to fight to stay afloat to get it back. There are times when I do "have a choice" to be happy. There are times when I can recognize those distorted thoughts: "I'm ugly" "I'm not good enough" "Nate would be better off without me" "Nobody care about me" etc. When I recognize those thoughts as a lie, then I can say "Well that's not true" and come around and be happy. And that works.... except when it doesn't.

That's what bugs me about "happiness is a choice" philosophies. I think they work on mild and moderate depression, definitely on situational depression. But for some forms of severe depression - at least for those periods of time when you're on your knees begging God to just take you - my experience has been that any attention to your thoughts only makes it worse. Happiness isn't a choice, it's something you have to fight for. Whether that's through medication or therapy or whatever else it's something someone with depression has to fight for. Everyday is a battle for our happiness. We deserve happiness, it is just shrouded completely by darkness.

When I am Depressed

Everyday is a battle for my life. Everyday I wake up and I begin fighting. Imagine this.... waking up every morning and having to jump into the ocean and swim. You cannot stop, it is freezing cold, but you must keep swimming or you will die. That is what depression is for me. It controls every single aspect of my life....

When I am depressed all I want to do is sleep.
When I am depressed I cannot sleep. 
When I am depressed I do not eat. 
When I am depressed all my other emotions are turned off, sometimes I feel absolutely nothing. 
When I am depressed I isolate myself from society because in my mind I am not good enough. 
When I am depressed I remember every horrible thing I have ever done in my life. 
When I am depressed I am a failure. 
When I am depressed I am the worst person in the world because I am considered/feel "selfish". When I am depressed I don't believe all the kind words people say to me. 
When I am depressed I cannot look at my own reflection because I am ugly. 
When I am depressed I feel invisible. 
When I am depressed my smile is fake. 
When I am depressed I feel as if I am drowning, like I am sinking in the middle of the ocean after swimming for 12 hours. 
When I am depressed I have no hope. 
When I am depressed I don't want to live. 
When I am depressed the thought of death brings me relief.

I want to stop and just rest but I can't. Nobody can take my place and fight this for me. All they can do is cheer from the sidelines and tell me that I can do it. It is easier to keep fighting if I have someone cheering me on. My depression is trying to kill me. I can't let it do that, as much as I would like to give up some days. I have a family to think about, so I keep fighting. But somedays I don't want to fight because I am tired. But I fight because if I don't I will no longer be me....

The Monster Within Me

So this last weekend my sister and her husband came down to spend some time with us. On Friday we went bowling. It started out being a lot of fun. Then I started to suck about the second game and I let it get to me. I began to feel depressed and eventually just stopped caring about the game. I eventually tried imagining the pins as my depression.... I then got a split. I got really frustrated after that. I just kept getting progressively worse and worse throwing the ball into the gutter. We ended the second game and I was not looking forward to another one. My first turn I threw the ball and fell down but got a strike. Nate then came to help me up. 

Depression is this monster that once it has a hold of you it refuses to let go. When I first started to suck while bowling it had just started grabbing me. Then as soon as I got that split it was then able to wrap all its tentacles around my entire body then it continued to repeatedly throw me into the gutter. I feel like a lot of the time when I try to fight off my depression it lets me do some damage but then throws me a "split" and laughs at me cause it knows I can never truly win when it does that. By the end of the second game I had some pretty bad emotional bruises from this monster. After I got that first strike I felt like the "monster" had let go almost completely. It wasn't until Nate came to help me up that I felt perfectly normal. It got me thinking how most days when I get depressed even if I am able to fight it off I still need Nate and my Heavenly Father to help me up. 

Depression is not something I can fight on my own. I am slowly starting to realize that. I grew up with a family where even us girls were expected to be tough and that was great. I learned how to handle doing things on my own and it eventually became a habit. But I can't do that with depression. I cannot fight this war alone. Nobody can.

Things You Just Shouldn't Say

This post is specifically for my readers who DO NOT have depression.

There are some things you just shouldn't say to someone who is depressed. When you say these things it's like a slap across the face. And honestly we kind of just want to strangle you when you say it. It also makes us feel guilty for feeling depressed. Depression is not something we have control over. If you can remember that they everything else will be fine. Here is a list of things you really just should not say to us:

Snap out of it

There are a lot of people worse off than you

You have so many things to be thankful for, how can you be depressed?

You’d feel better if you got off all those pills

What doesn’t kill us makes us stronger

Go out and have some fun

I know how you feel

So you’re depressed, aren’t you always?

This too shall pass

We all have our crosses to bear

We create our own reality.
You’ll feel better tomorrow.Life isn’t fair.
You just have to deal with it.
Life goes on.
You’re being selfish.
You’re bringing me down.
What do you even have to be depressed about?
Stop feeling sorry for yourself.

Why these are stupid things to say...

Any of those statements shows that you have no idea what you’re talking about. You fundamentally do not understand the concept of a mental illness if you think any one of these are appropriate. I suggest trying it with other physical health problems and see how you feel:

Hey, diabetic, snap out of it.
Hey, epileptic, I know how you feel.
Hey, paraplegic, so you can’t use your legs, isn’t that always the case?
Hey, person with multiple sclerosis, we create our own reality.

You get the idea. No one would think that is reasonable, and it’s no more reasonable just because you can’t see the illness because it’s in my brain.

These are hurtful things to say, and perhaps worse than showing ignorance, these things can even inflict pain on the person you're trying to "help". You are saying that:

They could choose not to be sick if they really wanted

Their illness is not serious

They have no "reason" to be ill 

Their treatment is wrong

They’ll be better off from it

They would be fine if they would just “go out”

Their illness is minimal

Their pain doesn’t matter

They should just wait for the pain to end

Their illness is just like anyone else’s problem

They choose to be sick

Again, I dare you to tell a person with any other illness any of those things.

And lest we forget, the mentally ill person in front of you is already probably feeling very bad abouyt themselves, and you have chosen to go and make it worse.

Lets not forget, people die from mental illnesses. The idea that mental illnesses is serious isn't something that I made up, it is a fact. Please check out my post titled "Suicide". This is serious stuff people. It is not a runny nose. Basically what I'm trying to get at is that the things you say affect us more than the average person. When it comes to suicide most people commit it because of the things people say and the things they either do or don't do. Words hurt and for some kill us. I know that sounds sill but it is so very true. I hope that this helps you understand that fact, and I know that being friends/family with someone with depression is super hard but know that we appreciate it even if way may not say it or show it.

(here are the sites I got a lot of my information from http://www.healthyplace.com/blogs/breakingbipolar/2010/09/stop-minimizing-mental-illness-worst-things-to-say/

http://www.buzzfeed.com/laraparker/things-you-shouldnt-say-to-someone-struggling-with-depress#.mlDn7918Eq  )

We Are Not Alone

Today was a bad day. I had the day off and stayed in bed all morning and took care of some laundry. While a load was going I just randomly started feeling sad. I began to miss my family, they live 12 hours away and I don't see them very often. I started to feel very lonely and eventually I became apathetic. I didn't care about anything or anybody. I started feeling suicidal thinking about how nobody would care if I just disappeared. Me being apathetic is worse than me being depressed. I eventually became so exhausted that I crashed. I didn't start to feel better till a couple hours after my husband came home from work.I ended up finding a song called “Where You Belong” by Kari Kimmel. It really touched me and got me thinking about some things.... (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GfCUQtTttoQ)

If you're feeling down or weak
You can always count on me
I will always pick you up
Nothing's ever gonna change
Nothing's gettin' in my way
I will always hold you up

Anything
Come what may
Don't look back forget yesterday
Forget yesterday

[Chorus:]
It's not where you come from
It's where you belong
Nothin' I would trade
I wouldn't have it any other way
You're surrounded
By love and you're wanted
So never feel alone
You are home with me
Right where you belong

I know sometimes you're feeling lost
It's hard to find your place in it all
But you don't have to fear
Even when you mess up
You always got my love
I'm always right here
Oh, cause

Anything
Come what may
Don't look back forget yesterday
Forget yesterday 

It's not where you come from
It's where you belong
Nothin' I would trade
I wouldn't have it any other way
You're surrounded
By love and you're wanted
So never feel alone
You are home with me
Right where you belong

Oooo Oooo (Oooo)
Don't matter where you've been
Oooo Oooo (Oooo)
You're here for a reason

Oooo Oooo (Oooo)
Nooo

It's not where you come from
It's where you belong
Nothin' I would trade
I wouldn't have it any other way
You're surrounded
By love and you're wanted
So never feel alone
You are home with me
Right where you belong

At first when I listened to it I pictured my husband singing it.... but as I continued to listen I began to hear somebody else.... my Heavenly Father. I'm a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, and we believe god to be our Father. I've been having some problems with my faith recently, and have been trying to figure everything out. While listening to this song and picturing him singing to me really got to me. Especially when the song says “ I know sometimes you're feeling lost. It's hard to find your place in it all. But you don't have to fear. Even when you mess up. You always got my love. I'm always right here.” I also made me think of another song that me and my husband sang in church called “Be Still” by Hillary Weeks. Its a duet and it starts with the girl singing …. (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GlgR_6e2-FI)

Another day
I'll try again
But can you tell me
Will the hurting ever end?
I've been taught
And I believe
But it's been awhile
Since I've been on my knees
But I need you by my side
I don't have the strength
To make it on my own
And Lord, do you hear my prayer
How soon will you answer me? 

(then the male sings)

I know you're weary
I know you've had all you can bear
And now you ask of me on bended knee
I promise I'll be there
I've watched you struggle
Yet I can see how much you've grown
Child, could you feel my power in your darkest hour?
You were not alone
Be still and know that I am God
I'm by your side
Whom shall you fear
I'll give you strength my child
I am here
Be still and know that I am God
And there's no prayer
That I don't hear
Lift up your head
My child
I am here

It's been a while since I've prayed, and I think I'm finally ready to do it again. I've been scared too because I've been viewing god as this all powerful being who strikes down the wicked. But that's not who he is. He's my Heavenly Father and I'm his child, and that is exactly how he views me. I've been trying to fight off my depression either by myself or with medication. But I can't do that anymore, I realize that I need to turn to him because through him I can know that I will never be alone. Because he loves me, and all of us, more than anybody on this earth could possibly love us. I understand that a lot of you reading this may not be religious, and that's fine. But I know that god is there and that he loves you. Because you are his child. I love this song called “Walk Tall” by Jamie Glenn. (you can change the word daughter to son if you're a boy) (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mHANOO2vq3E)

Right now I have a prayer deep within my heart,

A prayer for each of you there is a special part.

That you remember who you are and Him who lives above.

Please seek for Him and live His way; you’ll feel His love.

Chorus:

Walk tall, you’re a daughter, a child of God.

Be strong—please remember who you are.

Try to understand, You’re part of His great plan.

He’s closer than you know—reach up, He’ll take your hand.

Long before the time you can remember,

Our Father held you in His arms so tender.

Those loving arms released you as He sent you down to earth.

He said, “My child, I love you. Don’t forget your great worth.”

Walk tall, you’re a daughter, a child of God.

Be strong—please remember who you are.

Try to understand, You’re part of His great plan.

He’s closer than you know—reach up, He’ll take your hand.

This life on earth we knew would not be easy.

At times we lose our way—His plan we may not see.

But please remember always—please—that you are not alone.

He’ll take your hand. He loves you! He will guide you home.

Walk tall, you’re a daughter, a child of God.

Be strong—please remember who you are.

Try to understand, You’re part of His great plan.

He’s closer than you know—reach up, He’ll take your hand.

All these songs teach one thing.... that we are not alone. No matter how bad the day, no matter how hard the trial, no matter how bad we mess things up, WE ARE NOT ALONE!!!

Protecting Yourself From Depression

There are so many different ways to deal with depression. There's therapy, antidepressants, over the counter medication, herbal medication, moon rocks, star dust, etc. But the thing is that it doesn't work for everybody. Everybody's depression is unique to them so it's very rare for two people to know exactly how the other one feels. The important thing is to find something that works.

When I first had depression I did absolutely nothing about it. I didn't take any pills, I didn't go to therapy, nothing. I just would bury it in the back of my mind. Years later once I got into college was when I think a lot of my those things came rushing back. Things I thought were long gone and dead. It was like a zombie apocalypse in my brain. I then tried therapy, which didn't work for me. I have a very hard time in just normal social situations. I tend to just sit in the corner and say nothing or act like a total freak(depending on who I am with). I couldn't open myself up to her a lot of the time, it was extremely hard and I spent that hour every week trying to talk about anything but my depression/problems. So therapy is not for me but that doesn't mean it isn't for somebody else. Some people just aren't comfortable talking to some random stranger about their problems and being evaluated like their an operation game.

When I met my husband he introduced to me some herbal pills called nutricalm. They work but have the worst taste and make your pee very yellow. So I only take them if I really have to. The medication I am on is called Q96 and it works great. I only take it when I need it since a bottle cost $50 and that works great for me. I'm a very independent person and don't like to ask others for help unless I absolutely have to. The same goes for pills. I like to try to fight my depression off as much as I can before I turn to medication. Which can be good and bad....

Good because it gives me the chance to fight it off myself and makes me feel self empowered and strong. But it's bad because when I get depressed sometimes I try fighting it and by the time I need to take my pills I just don't because I'm stubborn. When I get depressed my brain doesn't work. For instance right now I know that when I get depressed I need to take my medication, but when I actually physically get to that point my brain tells me I don't. It's like a malfunction or something and it is very frustrating(mostly for my husband).

If you are looking for a way to fight off your depression here are some tips: (http://www.helpguide.org/articles/depression/dealing-with-depression.htm)

Depression self-help tip 1: Cultivate supportive relationships

Getting the support you need plays a big role in lifting the fog of depression and keeping it away. On your own, it can be difficult to maintain perspective and sustain the effort required to beat depression, but the very nature of depression makes it difficult to reach out for help. However, isolation and loneliness make depression even worse, so maintaining your close relationships and social activities are important.

The thought of reaching out to even close family members and friends can seem overwhelming. You may feel ashamed, too exhausted to talk, or guilty for neglecting the relationship. Remind yourself that this is the depression talking. Reaching out is not a sign of weakness and it won’t mean you’re a burden to others. Your loved ones care about you and want to help. And remember, it’s never too late to build new friendships and improve your support network.

• Turn to trusted friends and family members. Share what you’re going through with the people you love and trust, face to face if possible. The people you talk to don’t have to be able to fix you; they just need to be good listeners. Ask for the help and support you need. You may have retreated from your most treasured relationships, but they can get you through this tough time.

• Try to keep up with social activities even if you don’t feel like it. Often when you’re depressed, it feels more comfortable to retreat into your shell, but being around other people will make you feel less depressed.

• Join a support group for depression. Being with others dealing with depression can go a long way in reducing your sense of isolation. You can also encourage each other, give and receive advice on how to cope, and share your experiences.

Depression puts a negative spin on everything, including the way you see yourself, the situations you encounter, and your expectations for the future.

But you can’t break out of this pessimistic mind frame by “just thinking positive.” Happy thoughts or wishful thinking won’t cut it. Rather, the trick is to replace negative thoughts with more balanced thoughts.

• Think outside yourself. Ask yourself if you’d say what you’re thinking about yourself to someone else. If not, stop being so hard on yourself. Think about less harsh statements that offer more realistic descriptions.
• Allow yourself to be less than perfect. Many depressed people are perfectionists, holding themselves to impossibly high standards and then beating themselves up when they fail to meet them. Battle this source of self-imposed stress by challenging your negative ways of thinking
• Socialize with positive people. Notice how people who always look on the bright side deal with challenges, even minor ones, like not being able to find a parking space. Then consider how you would react in the same situation. Even if you have to pretend, try to adopt their optimism and persistence in the face of difficulty.
• Keep a "negative thought log." Whenever you experience a negative thought, jot down the thought and what triggered it in a notebook. Review your log when you’re in a good mood. Consider if the negativity was truly warranted. Ask yourself if there’s another way to view the situation. For example, let’s say your boyfriend was short with you and you automatically assumed that the relationship was in trouble. It's possible, though, he’s just having a bad day.

In order to overcome depression, you have to take care of yourself. This includes following a healthy lifestyle, learning to manage stress, setting limits on what you’re able to do, adopting healthy habits, and scheduling fun activities into your day.

• Aim for eight hours of sleep. Depression typically involves sleep problems. Whether you’re sleeping too little or too much, your mood suffers. Get on a better sleep schedule by learning healthy sleep habits.
• Expose yourself to a little sunlight every day. Lack of sunlight can make depression worse. Make sure you’re getting enough. Take a short walk outdoors, have your coffee outside, enjoy an al fresco meal, people-watch on a park bench, or sit out in the garden. Aim for at least 15 minutes of sunlight a day to boost your mood. If you live somewhere with little winter sunshine, try using a light therapy box.
• Keep stress in check. Not only does stress prolong and worsen depression, but it can also trigger it.  Figure out all the things in your life that stress you out. Examples include: work overload, unsupportive relationships, taking on too much, or health problems. Once you’ve identified your stressors, you can make a plan to avoid them or minimize their impact.
• Practice relaxation techniques. A daily relaxation practice can help relieve symptoms of depression, reduce stress, and boost feelings of joy and well-being. Try yoga, deep breathing, progressive muscle relaxation, or meditation.
• Care for a pet. While nothing can replace the human connection, pets can bring joy and companionship into your life and help you feel less isolated. Caring for a pet can also get you outside of yourself and give you a sense of being needed—both powerful antidotes to depression.

While you can’t force yourself to have fun or experience pleasure, you can choose to do things that you used to enjoy. Pick up a former hobby or a sport you used to like. Express yourself creatively through music, art, or writing. Go out with friends. Take a day trip to a museum, the mountains, or the ballpark.

Push yourself to do things, even when you don’t feel like it. You might be surprised at how much better you feel once you’re out in the world. Even if your depression doesn’t lift immediately, you’ll gradually feel more upbeat and energetic as you make time for fun activities.

When you’re depressed, exercising may be the last thing you feel like doing. But exercise is a powerful tool for dealing with depression. In fact, studies show that regular exercise can be as effective as antidepressant medication at increasing energy levels and decreasing feelings of fatigue.

Scientists haven’t figured out exactly why exercise is such a potent antidepressant, but evidence suggests that physical activity triggers new cell growth in the brain, increases mood-enhancing neurotransmitters and endorphins, reduces stress, and relieves muscle tension—all things that can have a positive effect on depression.

To gain the most benefits, aim for 30 minutes of exercise per day. You can start small, though, as short 10-minute bursts of activity can have a positive effect on your mood. Here are a few easy ways to get moving:

• Take the stairs rather than the elevator
• Park your car in the farthest spot in the lot
• Take your dog for a walk
• Pair up with an exercise partner
• Walk while you’re talking on the phone

As a next step, try incorporating walks or some other enjoyable, easy form of exercise into your daily routine. The key is to pick an activity you enjoy, so you’re more likely to keep up with it.

What you eat has a direct impact on the way you feel. Aim for a balanced diet of low-fat protein, complex carbohydrates, fruits and vegetables. Reduce your intake of foods that can adversely affect your brain and mood, such as caffeine, alcohol, trans fats, saturated fats, and foods with high levels of chemical preservatives or hormones (such as certain meats).

• Don’t skip meals. Going too long between meals can make you feel irritable and tired, so aim to eat something at least every three to four hours.
• Minimize sugar and refined carbs. You may crave sugary snacks, baked goods, or comfort foods such as pasta or French fries, but these “feel-good” foods quickly lead to a crash in mood and energy.
• Focus on complex carbohydrates. Foods such as baked potatoes, whole-wheat pasta, oatmeal, and whole grain breads can boost serotonin levels without a crash.
• Boost your B vitamins. Deficiencies in B vitamins such as folic acid and B-12 can trigger depression. To get more, take a B-complex vitamin supplement or eat more citrus fruit, leafy greens, beans, chicken, and eggs.
• Try super-foods rich in nutrients that can boost mood, such as bananas (magnesium to decrease anxiety, vitamin B6 to promote alertness, tryptophan to boost feel-good serotonin levels), brown rice (serotonin, thiamine to support sociability), and spinach (magnesium, folate to reduce agitation and improve sleep).
• Consider taking a chromium supplement. Some depression studies show that chromium picolinate reduces carbohydrate cravings, eases mood swings, and boosts energy. Supplementing with chromium picolinate is especially effective for people who tend to overeat and oversleep when depressed.

If you find your depression getting worse and worse, seek professional help. Needing additional help doesn’t mean you’re weak. Sometimes the negative thinking in depression can make you feel like you’re a lost cause, but depression can be treated and you can feel better!

Don’t forget about these self-help tips, though. Even if you’re receiving professional help, these tips can be part of your treatment plan, speeding your recovery and preventing depression from returning.

I try to do some of these things but it can be hard. I try to eat three meals a day. I have my dog Pepsi who helps me so much. It's amazing how well animals can tell when something is wrong. And I have my husband who supports me through it all. I hope this helps some of you a little bit and I hope you can figure out how to protect yourself from your depression and how to fight it.

Here's a picture of my dog Pepsi

Suicide

I want to talk about something that is kind of a touchy subject for some people... Suicide. A lot of people say that suicide is selfish. People will utter/post phrases such as “to do that to your family is just selfish”, or “to commit suicide when you’ve got so much going for you is pure selfishness”, or variations thereof. I cannot tell you how many times I have heard people tell me that. It drives me nuts and it makes me feel even worse about myself causing me to become depressed. So often when I get depressed people will just dismiss it or tell me to just get over myself or let it go. Dismissing the concerns of a genuine depression sufferer on the grounds that you’ve been miserable and got over it is like dismissing the issues faced by someone who’s had to have their arm amputated because you once had a paper cut and it didn’t bother you.

There are so many people out there who have depression who are just really good at hiding it, Robin Williams for one. Depression doesn't discriminate. It doesn't just pick on blondes, or brunettes, or white people, or Hispanics.... it can literally happen to anybody. I can guarantee it has happened to everyone at some point. Everyone get depressed, but there are those of us (myself included) who get depressed every day, sometimes for no reason. Depression doesn't need a reason to attack you.

Anyways I want to share some of my experiences where I almost committed suicide(please if you are thinking about suicide do not attempt any of the following please call 1(800) 273-8255). I think the first time I tried to commit suicide was when I was in high school. I tried to hang myself from my bunk bed.... it didn't work for numerous reasons. During college was when I tried it the most. While living with my sister after her and her husband had gone to bed I sat on the kitchen floor with a bottle of pills and a glass of water in my hands. I was ready to give up. Luckily just before I was about to take them my sister came out of her room to get a glass of water. I am so grateful that she was thirsty haha. The next day I was still feeling down and went to work(I was a housekeeper at a hotel but was going to switch to front desk when school started). One of my coworkers noticed I was off and asked me what was wrong. I broke down and told her what had happened. She later told my boss who called the cops, who decided to come to my work to talk to me about the situation. I was terrified. School eventually started and I never got switched to front desk because of my depression. My boss didn't think it would work because of how “unstable” I was. I still hate him to this day, and I hated myself for a long time because I had told someone about my depression. Later on in the school year around February I tried committing suicide not once but twice. I almost drank a bottle of hydrogen peroxide before my roommate came in. The second time I took 6 sleeping pills before I realized that what I was doing was wrong. I slept for over 12 hours and was sick after wards. I didn't have another attempt till a year into my marriage. I tried suffocating myself in a plastic bag. But stopped myself when I saw my puppy staring at me. (again please do not attempt any of these things if you are having suicidal thoughts please call 1(800) 273-8255)

Those are the only times I have ever attempted to take my own life, but I think about it a lot more than you would think. Some people told me that doing those things was selfish. People who say that suicide is selfish always reference the survivors. It's selfish to leave children, spouses and other family members behind, so they say. They're not thinking about the survivors, or so they would have us believe. What they don't know is that those very loved ones are the reason many people hang on for just one more day. They do think about the survivors, probably up until the very last moment in many cases. But the soul-crushing depression that envelops them leaves them feeling like there is no alternative. Like the only way to get out is to opt out. And that is a devastating thought to endure.

Until you've stared down that level of depression, until you've lost your soul to a sea of emptiness and darkness... you don't get to make those judgments. You might not understand it, and you are certainly entitled to your own feelings, but making those judgments and spreading that kind of negativity won't help the next person. In fact, it will only hurt others.

So please if you know somebody who has depression please watch what you say to them. And learn the warning signs for suicide. 50-75% of people who attempt suicide will tell someone about their intention. Listen when people talk. Make eye contact. Convey empathy. And for the love of people everywhere, put down that ridiculous not-so-SmartPhone and be human.

Check in on friends struggling with depression. Even if they don't answer the phone or come to the door, make an effort to let them know that you are there. Friendship isn't about saving lost souls; friendship is about listening and being present.

Encourage help. Learn about the resources in your area so that you can help friends and loved ones in need. Don't be afraid to check in over and over again. Don't be afraid to convey your concern. One human connection can make a big difference in the life of someone struggling with mental illness and/or survivor's guilt.

30,000 people commit suicide in the United States each year. 750,000 people attempt suicide. It's time to raise awareness, increase empathy and kindness, and bring those numbers down.

Remember you never know who has depression, so please reach out to those who do and just treat everyone around you with kindness and respect. Cause words do hurt.

The Emptiness I Feel

 Today is a bad day, though it didn't start that way. I slept in, watched some TV, gave the dog a bath, cleaned the tub so I could take one myself.... but then (tmi) my “monthly visitor” showed up. OH YAY!!! Happy early Birthday to me!!! (tomorrows my birthday) So I've been writhing in pain now all afternoon which sucks beyond belief, and that bath is not happening. So that's the physical pain of my day. Then out of the blue the emotional pain comes a knocking on my door (it always seems to come at the worst times).

I feel this emptiness, this loneliness, like I could disappear and so many people who I care about wouldn't even notice or care that I’m gone. All this was triggered by a picture... a very cute picture mind you of my niece of 6 months smiling at her uncle. I began to feel lonely instantly. Nobody ever just drops by to say hi to me, or to visit. I've lived in this state for almost 2 years and the only friend I really have who I know will always be there for me and who will always care is my beloved husband.

My mind began spinning these thoughts of how none of my in-laws care about me. How they don't even know that I exist most days. How they don't understand the pain I go threw on almost a daily basis, or how hard it is sometimes for me to fight that pain. Most of those are lies, as I tend to blow things out of proportion when I get like this(I think most of us do).

I cannot tell you how much I hate depression and how much it controls my everyday life. But sometimes I even hate it more when those around me cannot see how much I am hurting. “I used to think the worst thing in life was to end up all alone. It’s not. The worst thing in life is to end up with people that make you feel all alone.” - Robin Williams World’s Greatest Dad How true those words are.

A lot of the time when I get depressed I will go off and sit alone. G.P. Best put how I feel “I like to be left alone. But when people don't notice I'm absent it hurts. And I know it's my own fault, for becoming invisible, for isolating myself. But just for one I want someone to notice to truly notice and care.”

I fake being happy more than people now. I love this quote (I think Robin Williams said it) “All it takes is a beautiful fake smile to hide an injured soul and they will never notice how broken you really are.” Fake it till you make it. It's something people with depression try to follow everyday. But after a certain point we stop trying to want to fake it. We just want somebody to notice that we are not okay. When we say “I'm okay” we want somebody to look us in the eyes hug us and say “I know you're not”.

We also can't just let things go and just brush it off our shoulders like most people can. We tend to just beat ourselves up over the silliest of things sometimes, and we know that we shouldn't. We want to let it go, but we can't. I hate that I can't do that cause I know how much it bugs my husband. It drives him nuts that he cannot help me some days. I am so lucky that I have someone who is there for me through all of this, even if it is just my husband.

To those of you who know somebody with depression please pay special attention to this quote: “If you know someone who’s depressed, please resolve never to ask them why. Depression isn’t a straightforward response to a bad situation; depression just is, like the weather. Try to understand the blackness, lethargy, hopelessness, and loneliness they’re going through. Be there for them when they come through the other side. It’s hard to be a friend to someone who’s depressed, but it is one of the kindest, noblest, and best things you will ever do.” -Stephen Fry. As I continue fighting this war with depression I'm glad that I have a husband to help me fight it. And I hope through my journey, through all the good and bad days, I can help somebody else fight their war.

What exactly is depression?

       What exactly is depression? Well according to the Merriam Webster dictionary, depression is a serious medical condition in which a person feels very sad, hopeless, and unimportant and often is unable to live in a normal way. When you have depression, the only thing that seems to exist inside you is a void so deep and so dark that you alternately fear for your life on the one hand, and wish for extinction on the other. 

       When you have depression, your nervous system stops functioning properly, which means that all the nerve ending that should be communicating the visual and sensory details of the scene before you-as well as the love you should be feeling for your spouse, your children, and your creator- are not doing their job. you cannot feel because in a very literal sense your brain is broken. A broken brain is a physical condition-it has no more to do with personal righteousness than the ravaging physical effects of cancer.

       However, a key difference between depression and other illnesses is that the symptoms of depression are largely mental and emotion. A depressed person can rarely feel anything but blankness. When you are depressed, you can't feel ANY positive emotions: hope, joy, peace, happiness, charity, or love. 

       Everybody feels depression differently.I have some days where I'm ok and don't feel sad at all. Those are the days I cherish. On the days I really can feel it it's hard, I feel empty like there's nothing I can do. Its hard for me to even get out of bed those days. Everyday is a battle, I'm fighting a war against depression, and myself. I'm not on any antidepressants because I don't like the side effects that come with them. I take some stuff called nutricalm, but it's super nasty. I only take that if none of the rest of my stuff works. I also take Q96, and inositol, both over the counter herbal medications. Though there are some days where I don't need my medication and I feel great, those are the best days of all. 

      Though there are countless days where I just want to give in to my depression and just end it, the one thing that makes me think twice is my loving husband. I know how hurt he would be if I ever committed suicide. And there have been many times when I have almost done that despite how much I know he loves me. Depression is so hard and something that so many people do not understand. I hope through this post and throughout my blog I will be able to comfort those who have depression, and help those who don't understand it.