One of the awesome things about Eeyore is that even though he is basically clinically depressed, he still gets invited to participate in adventures and shenanigans with all of his friends. What is amazing is that they never expect him to pretend to feel happy, the never leave him behind or ask him to change, they just show him love. (This is something I wish I had in my life)
He never asks them to include them, they just do it. They love him even though he has depression. When you find out somebody has depression a lot of people tend to start excluding them from activities. That makes everything worse though. A lot of people don't want to be around them because they are depressed, or because they don't want to be brought down by them. I get that. Happiness/laughter is contagious though. As long as you try to include them in the activity it at least lets them know that you care.
Being excluded from activities, whether its with friend or even family, hurts whether you have depression or not. But it is magnified when you do have depression. For me when I get excluded from things or just not invited I usually end up feeling very depressed, and even resentment towards that certain person. A lot of the time I feel like everybody (excluding some people, you know who you are) secretly hates me. Whether that a fact or not my mind still thinks that because those people exclude me, whether on purpose or not, and it hurts.
I was raised in a home where the girls were expected to be just as strong as the boys. So I constantly feel this need to be that strong girl, and not let anybody see my emotions. That is why I honestly hide in my room a lot. I'm constantly pretending that I'm ok even though I'm not. Sometimes I wish they would notice how torn apart and broken I am. I constantly feel like everybody around me thinks I'm just this lazy girl cause on my days off all I do is lay in bed in my pajamas and watch tv/ play video games. I am not lazy for taking care of my mental health. I need those days to catch up and just breath and not have to think about fighting. Those are the rare days that I get a break.
Sometimes I feel like a mirror that has just been shattered. There are those, like my husband, who see me and help me pick up the pieces and put myself back together again. Then there are those who see me and just walk away. Then there are those who see me and decide to break me up even more.
Everyday I wake up hoping that I wont break that day, and sometimes I don't (rarely). After about 8 years of doing this I'm starting to get tired. It wasn't until a little over 2 years ago that I finally got somebody who would help me pick up the pieces. I am so grateful to have met my husband and he helps me more than anybody on this planet. But I am constantly finding myself standing on the line between giving up and seeing how much more I can take.
Nate is always telling me how strong I am, and most days I don't believe him. My depression makes me feel so weak, because I'm constantly having to rely on medication just to make it through the day. Depression is not a sign of weakness. It means you have been strong for far too long. I've been fighting this war for 8 years. For a little over 5 years of it I had nothing to help me fight it. For the last almost 3 years I have had a husband who has helped me and has introduced me to herbal medications to help me control it. Then 3 days ago I made the decision that all of that was not enough, because I am tired of fighting. I am tired of feeling left out, and feeling like an outsider. So I called a doctor and set up an appointment to see him about my depression. It's a big step and one that I am still nervous about taking, but I know it is the right thing to do. And I am so glad I am getting so much support from my husband, my mom, my sister, and even my mother in-law.
Very proud of you. We're all here for you.
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