Jekyll and Hyde

I haven't written here for a while cause I haven't felt the need to, and things have been crazy. My husband and I made the big move to Utah so I could be closer to my mom, which had helped with my depression a lot. It's great to be able to see my mom daily.

Anyways the reason I'm posting is cause I've reached a breaking point yet again. On Friday morning I received a phone call from my mother. My Grandma had passed away unexpectedly. I was shocked and cried uncontrollably for a couple hours before heading to work. I've been putting on a brave face and trying to support my mom during this hard time. But it hasn't been easy.

As soon as I received that phone call all of my walls that I had built up to protect myself from my depression came crumbling down. All the things that I could've gotten depressed about but didn't came rushing in. I don't think I have ever felt so alone like nobody understands or cares (excluding my husband of course). I didn't eat anything till Friday night and did the same thing again on Saturday. My appetite has left me which is physically unhealthy. It's like my depression is trying to kill me not just emotionally but physically as well. I want to crawl into my bed and cry and never leave.

Over the last few months I have been able to control my emotions but now I can't. I had the steering wheel in my hand and was driving down my road of life just fine. But now this evil monster within me had taken the wheel and is driving me towards the edge of a cliff. I feel like Jeckyl and Hyde one second I'm just me and the next my depression takes over and I loose sight of who I am. I try taking my medication which is supposed to help but it only numbs the pain for a few hours before it all comes rushing back. I only hope I can resume control again before "Hyde" takes over completely.