The Emptiness I Feel

 Today is a bad day, though it didn't start that way. I slept in, watched some TV, gave the dog a bath, cleaned the tub so I could take one myself.... but then (tmi) my “monthly visitor” showed up. OH YAY!!! Happy early Birthday to me!!! (tomorrows my birthday) So I've been writhing in pain now all afternoon which sucks beyond belief, and that bath is not happening. So that's the physical pain of my day. Then out of the blue the emotional pain comes a knocking on my door (it always seems to come at the worst times).

I feel this emptiness, this loneliness, like I could disappear and so many people who I care about wouldn't even notice or care that I’m gone. All this was triggered by a picture... a very cute picture mind you of my niece of 6 months smiling at her uncle. I began to feel lonely instantly. Nobody ever just drops by to say hi to me, or to visit. I've lived in this state for almost 2 years and the only friend I really have who I know will always be there for me and who will always care is my beloved husband.

My mind began spinning these thoughts of how none of my in-laws care about me. How they don't even know that I exist most days. How they don't understand the pain I go threw on almost a daily basis, or how hard it is sometimes for me to fight that pain. Most of those are lies, as I tend to blow things out of proportion when I get like this(I think most of us do).

I cannot tell you how much I hate depression and how much it controls my everyday life. But sometimes I even hate it more when those around me cannot see how much I am hurting. “I used to think the worst thing in life was to end up all alone. It’s not. The worst thing in life is to end up with people that make you feel all alone.” - Robin Williams World’s Greatest Dad How true those words are.

A lot of the time when I get depressed I will go off and sit alone. G.P. Best put how I feel “I like to be left alone. But when people don't notice I'm absent it hurts. And I know it's my own fault, for becoming invisible, for isolating myself. But just for one I want someone to notice to truly notice and care.”

I fake being happy more than people now. I love this quote (I think Robin Williams said it) “All it takes is a beautiful fake smile to hide an injured soul and they will never notice how broken you really are.” Fake it till you make it. It's something people with depression try to follow everyday. But after a certain point we stop trying to want to fake it. We just want somebody to notice that we are not okay. When we say “I'm okay” we want somebody to look us in the eyes hug us and say “I know you're not”.

We also can't just let things go and just brush it off our shoulders like most people can. We tend to just beat ourselves up over the silliest of things sometimes, and we know that we shouldn't. We want to let it go, but we can't. I hate that I can't do that cause I know how much it bugs my husband. It drives him nuts that he cannot help me some days. I am so lucky that I have someone who is there for me through all of this, even if it is just my husband.

To those of you who know somebody with depression please pay special attention to this quote: “If you know someone who’s depressed, please resolve never to ask them why. Depression isn’t a straightforward response to a bad situation; depression just is, like the weather. Try to understand the blackness, lethargy, hopelessness, and loneliness they’re going through. Be there for them when they come through the other side. It’s hard to be a friend to someone who’s depressed, but it is one of the kindest, noblest, and best things you will ever do.” -Stephen Fry. As I continue fighting this war with depression I'm glad that I have a husband to help me fight it. And I hope through my journey, through all the good and bad days, I can help somebody else fight their war.