Back With A Vengeance

I honestly don't know why I am writing this, but I felt like I needed to. I don't know if it's to help me or someone else or if it's completely pointless. I've been pretty good when it comes to my depression lately. I take my pills when I need them and go most days without feeling completely hopeless.

But recently it's started coming back with a vengeance. It as very small at first but then it began to grow. I didn't really notice it at first, heck I even brushed it off. But now it's noticeable, it's there staring me straight in the face. At first I thought it was just because a friend announced she was pregnant with baby number two, and we've been trying for 4-1/2 years with no success. But then I realized that the feelings I have are not just the aching to be a mother, it as more than that.

It's the feeling that I am the worst possible person. It's the feeling that I am no good at my job and the urge to quit because if I don't they will fire me anyways. It's the feeling that my husband doesn't love me the same anymore. It's the feeling that I don't deserve to even be with my husband and that he deserves better. It's the feeling that mine and my husbands family would care less if I was gone.

With these said feelings comes urges.... The urge to pull my hair out. The urge to bite my nails. The urge to cut myself, or break my leg because I would prefer physical pain over this. The urge to stay in bed and not move. And yes sometimes even the urge to end my life. Some days the urges/feelings consume me. So I put my mask on and pretend I'm okay, but I'm not.

But then this tiny voice in my head says to me "Kaitlin all that stuff is a bunch of BULL SHIT!" Which is 100% true! I am a wonderful person! I am great at my job, sure I make mistakes but I learn and grow from them. My husband loves me more than I will ever be able to comprehend, and I deserve to be with him. And even though mine and my husbands family don't talk to me very often, I know they care.

Depression sucks, and it's always going to be apart of my life. But I have finally gotten to a point where I have accepted that it is a part of me.