Yesterday I considered suicide. Nate and I were having a discussion on how I don’t feel like going to church anymore. I explained to him that I feel like a square trying to fit in a circle. I don’t feel like I fit in and feel very alone at church. I still believe in the church, I believe in the plan of salvation and the knowledge that I will get to be with my family forever. I just don’t like going to church. My husband was at church at the time and was telling me how I need to pray and all this other stuff. And I just sat there and started to cry and began to think about how I am a horrible person and I’m not as good as he is and that he deserves better than me. I thought about how if he had a different wife maybe he would be a father by now.
I felt this overpowering weight of darkness come over me. I then thought about that pocket knife that I keep in a drawer in the kitchen and how easy it would be to get into a bathtub full of water and slit my wrist and just bleed out and be done with it all. I texted a suicide hotline number I have saved in my phone and they didn’t really help. I decided to turn on Don Williams as he has always calmed me down in the past. I continued to cry and told Nate I loved him and I needed him but that he should stay at church. Little did I know that he then got in his car and raced home to me and then just held me as I cried.
I still feel the pain of that today almost 24 hours later, I’m still sad and all I want to do is curl up into a little ball and cry. The darkness is still with me today, but I took my pills and I’m continuing on even though it’s difficult. I may go home early today depending on if things get better I don’t know, but that’s ok. I got up and I got dressed and I went to work, that is a major accomplishment for me. Some people don’t understand why I can’t just move on and wake up and be happy, but the thing is when you’re depressed you don’t control your thoughts your thoughts control you.
Depression is living in a body that fights to survive with a mind that tries to die. My body doesn’t want to die, but in my mind that’s all I want. I want the pain to end. I sometimes thing about harming myself physically like breaking my leg or cutting but I know that’s only a temporary relief and won’t fix the problem so I just sit here and cry. I sit her and cry in between calls and work and when the phone rings I try to be happy, it’s the hardest thing to do right now. I know with help I will get through this but it will take some time. For now I will keep fighting…
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